Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Bad omens?

I was looking for a really cool pentagram but this came up and  every time I look at it I want to vomit so I thought I would share.

So last night Im about to go to bed and I look at my pristine white pillow and there is a fucking scary ass bug running all over, spreading his bug germs everywhere.  I screamed, and LOML runs in and has the audacity to LAUGH despite the fact that this thing could just meander into my nostril while I slept and crawl into my brain and ruin it and I would just be a blank-eyed pile of meat and it's almost like LOML doesn't even really care that that might happen.  So then he tells me that it's good luck, so then I'm cool with the silverfish thing because I have really been keeping up with my sweepstakes entering.

It was really big, like the size of my hand, if my hand was smaller than it is now.
So then right before I goes to bed LOML cheerfully adds, "it probably means you will have a good dream tonight", at which point I'm not really thinking of the consequences of this but then I DREAM about winning a sweepstakes and finding a lot of strawberries that weren't eaten by bugs and I was super happy in my dream and then I woke up and realized that I just ENDANGERED MY FRAGILE BRAIN to have a useless fucking DREAM about winning money. F&%$ you, silverfish.

I guess the strawberries might need some explaining, but this was taken a few days ago and this is the first ever strawberry that I have ever grown and it got eaten by a bug so I'm guessing that was why I was so happy in my dream, plus all the money to buy all the strawberries I want.   Well, as much as $6,000 could buy.  I'm not sure why my brain decided to win $6,000 in my dream when it could have gone with a much better number, like say 200 billion dollars, and for the record strawberries don't even make it into my top three fruits so I would really like to figure out why my subconscious is lowballing me.

Anyways, all this talk makes me waste my precious (made more precious now that is ENDANGERED) brain space on omens and all that kind of witchcraft stuff.  Just the other day, I was entering something online and imagine my dismay when that vengeful word verification demon asks me to spell out the word "hag".  I tried to overlook it and not scrutinize the shit out of my dark circles but then I get to ANOTHER word verification and it says "hag" again, and now I'm starting to wonder if I should confront my computer about its insulting behavior, because I'm not even 30 yet and I feel like it could come up with some insults that are better suited to my demographic.

Then I started thinking about the time I bought a book about witchcraft and I read it at night and lucid dreamt I was levitating so it got stored outside the bedroom from then on but I took it out and tried to read it again a few weeks ago and I dreamt about being magic again so there's a pretty good chance I am actually a witch, in which case the insult "hag" would probably be a suitable fit, so you see how all this just kind of works together?
I'd like to think this was me in a past life
But it was probably more like this in which case I'm not even mad at my computer anymore.

And I'm still really upset that my luck got wasted on a dream about 6 g's and strawberries.

Grade A Halloween A-hole

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my Halloween obsession.  Before I met Love of my Life, I would always be the one hassling friends to get their shit together and I'm pretty sure they got pretty fed up with it. Once I met LOML and discovered he was as obsessed as I was I knew I would never be able to tolerate anyone else.  Needless to say, we lived in a little courtyard complex in Venice, and I'm not entirely sure our neighbors were as enthused with our addiction. For two years, from September 1 to October 31, we spent an unhealthy amount of our time and debt allowance on extreme decorating, so our courtyard friends might look out their window at any given time to find me manically hanging a skull from a tree with blood dripping out of the eye socket, and due to our nocturnal natures were typically woken up at 2 AM to us building a coffin/monster/torture chamber.  One particular neighbor was very quiet and had actually never spoken to us, but he came over one night at 1am and was inordinately calm as he said in his fun Swedish accent: "I don't even know what the fuck you guys are doing, but it's got to fucking stop."  It didn't stop us, but I applauded his effort, and tried to cheer him up with a few extra tombstones by his backdoor.

Anyways, the point of the story is that now we live in a house that is bigger than a shoebox so I'm a bit nervous that we won't get the full effect that we did in previous years.  On the plus side, we have a lot more space and can do awesome things like CREATE A PUMPKIN PATCH, which I have already done and have yet to kill, and am now going to bore you with the progression of my seeds because they are now like little children to me, little precious children that I plan on harvesting and carving into monsters in 4 months.

Here they are one week in, nothing happening.  Apparently I was supposed to grow these in special peat pots but I just used some old plastic pots that were left in the basement by a previous renter and it worked just fine so suck on that, seed instructions

About 3 weeks in, I was beginning to give up hope  and then  they started sprouting like crazy.  Was it love, or my constant, sometimes alcohol-fueled threats of planticide by garbage can? We may never know.
I kind of flaked on taking an update picture between weeks 3 - 5, so for your enjoyment, here is a picture of LOML preening in our gypsy caravan themed room from Halloween 2010.
Wait, no, I found one.  They are a tiny bit bigger.  Isn't this exciting?
This is week 5.   I would also like you to know that I haven't really been keeping track, I have no idea when I planted the seeds, so I'm just inventing these week numbers.  Anyways, we cleared out this whole section of what was initially weeds, but we left the pretty weeds.

These are pictures I took this morning, which is erm... week 7. Yes, 7.  They are growing really fast, which kind of scares me, but considering I birthed them and only threaten them occasionally, I figure if they grow wills of their own and turn evil they will do my bidding, which I'm ok with.
Anyways, I will keep you updated on their status, but I'm guessing no one really cares about my pumpkins but me, so I'll just read this post on lonely nights and weep tears of pride.

If anyone is still interested, I'm posting pictures of our last two Halloweens:

2009 -- Harry Potter -- this is the year both me and the table caught on fire.  The pictures that look like they were shot by a mentally competent person were most likely from friends Jen, Holly and Megan, so thanks you guys, please come visit this year so that we have more than a few pictures with my finger over the lens.  And also because I heart you and I never need to hunt you guys down to work on your costumes.  And we just moved here and we need more friends.

Halloween 2010: Pirates and gypsies -- at the time we found a way to make the themes go together but I can't remember why.

That crab didn't look so obviously fake in real life.  I think.

Captain Von Smervish

I just realized that my last post about cats kind of ended with no point, but truly, the only point I could've made was that I didn't really get much done.  However, after all of the excitement of the Bieber fiasco,  I did manage to glue something onto something.
I bought this fireplace for cheap off craigslist a few months ago, and had mad hopes of repainting it to look old. However, there was this big blank moderney squareish thing on the front that looked weird and out of place and I hate it so much.  The obvious answer was to buy a gargoyle head off ebay to cover it.
So this is my new friend.  I have named him Captain Von Smervish. He prefers Gargamel, but he can't really do anything about it because he is an inanimate object, and it was kind of ridiculous for you to believe in the first place that he would prefer the name Gargamel.

Anyways, I had planned on glueing him on, painting the whole fireplace and trying to get a fun crackly glaze over it to make it look old all in one day, but it took a surprising amount of time to accomplish step #1 because Captain Von Smervish doesn't appear to enjoy being super -glued to things.  So finally we used a different glue and held him in place with the stretchy things that you use to tie stuff to your car.  So far it seems to be working, and I have a goal of getting this fireplace looking awesome by weeks end, and now I have this damn blog to hold me to it.
Another view of the same thing you already saw, but this time I was too lazy to rotate it. 

Sidenote/poll: I am debating whether to stick to his current name or name him Captain Von Dugle-Pantaloons, because it sounds more piratey. If you have any kind of opinion on what to name the gargoyle that I glued to my fireplace, you have too much time on your hands, but feel free to leave a comment with said opinion. I used to own a lovely picture of Baroness Edna Von Fancypants, and I would like to think that had I not lost her in the move to Portland, they would have tea  and crumpets, and get drunk together while we are out of the house, which would probably terrify our cat and make him want to eat our face after we die for ever buying them in the first place.

The regal Baroness Edna Von Fancypants.
Productivity Update:  It has taken me three days since writing this to even post it, things are not looking good for the fireplace to be awesome by Sunday.

Very productive weekend

So last week, I was really unmotivated to post anything so I promised myself that I would be uber-productive this weekend and would have a bunch of awesome green posts to write about today.
Friday: Nothing useful ever gets accomplished on a Friday, this one being no exception, unless you count drinking too much wine and photobombing strangers as useful.
Saturday: We finally got internet (seriously, 4 months without internet, I was starting to have the shakes) so clearly nothing was being accomplished that day, but I had very high expectations that Sunday would be very incredibly productive and fulfilling.
These are not the exact moldy strawberries, but you see one you've seen them all.
Sunday: We woke up and started making breakfast, which turned out to be us picking the least moldy strawberries from the box we bought from a man on the corner, and just as we got to the point where we had to figure out which project we would tackle first the boyfriend (who from this point onward will be referred to as "love of my life" so he will not feel objectified, and also because he is the love of my life and I would never want to refer to him on a blog in any manner that made him feel like he is not a valid, intelligent man.  So anyways, the Love of my Life is all like, "we should totally give Pan (our cat) Bieber Fever and make him a toupee and videotape it and put it on the internets and we will be rich."  And I was all like, "YES. This is happening."  At that point my excitement got ahead of me and I started making suggestions about changing it to beaver fever and finding a beaver to dress up as the real Justin Bieber and then Pan would stalk the beaver in the video and it was all going to a bad place, so LOML cut me off and decided to check youtube* to make sure no one else had carried out our genius plan first.  Hunger be damned, the moldy strawberries would have to wait.

So it might shock and dismay you all to learn that we are definitely NOT the only people in the world to have thought of giving our cat Bieber fever, and it is not always a case of fun and games, sometimes it is more a form of kitty torture:
Seriously, is she Justin Bieber singing to the kitty or is the cat Justin?  What is going on?   Why is she seducing her cat?  Why would anyone allow this to be on the Internet?  She didn't even really seem to know all the words, which seems kind of half-assed for a pervy cat serenade music video.

This one is actually pretty funny due to the cat dancing, although he doesn't really hold a candle to Pan's dancing**.

And then this one.  LOML astutely pointed out that the kitten appeared to be trying to turn the song off.
 I have a feeling this is one of those situations where the owner will take a fall in the kitchen, and someone will find them days later and their cat will have eaten their face.  I'm just saying, if you force your cat to listen to Justin Bieber, he will eat your face.  But Pan is exempt from this rule, because technically we were too lazy to even give him Bieber fever, and also because he is always very enthusiastic about being our source of  entertainment.

Totally unrelated update: Here are some pictures of our cat in his favorite Pirate costume!

*It is really funny to see the videos on the youtube homepage that they suggest for you.  Mine are all nerdy Harry potter stalker videos, shark attacks, and cats that bark. Now it will all be Justin Bieber fan videos. Sigh.

**Pan's dancing might not be altogether willful and consenting.